Alphonse Marchhair

Alphonse Marchhair (pronounced March-hair), a moderately wealthy trader of fine Mexican silks and native of Manchester England, has long run an illegal ring of Mexican immigrants who spin silk tirelessly in his sweat shops in trade for the rising call for Mexican immigration to Manchester.

It appears many Mexican immigrants, confused Manchester with Westchester, the site of the Mexican football league tryouts, and thus moved there unknowingly to find themselves destitute and without funds or football, luckily for Marchhair. Wearing only the finest Chilean wool - Marchhair is never seen without a bright pink bowler, which he thinks accentuates his reptilian green eyes which make his teeth appear white instead of the light swamp green they appear to be to any American.

Standing at 5'1 and almost as big around, due to a particular kidney dysfunction and an acute desire for inebriation he drinks extreme amounts of water in order to throw his system out of balance and thus feel drunk. People say, that when he reaches full walking pace, you can actually hear the water churning inside him.

Upon importing a shipment of Mexican silk (before he built his manufacturing facility in England), he was escorting a shipment from the Yucatan to the British Isle when hurricane Moonshadow (hippy names had recently been added to the list of hurricane possible names) ran his boat aground. The Cubans, thinking he was a british spy took him directly to Castro for interrogation and, possibly, execution. During interrogation, it became apparent that Alphonse knew little about spying, and even less about Cuba, learning of its existence only when they foundered upon its rocks.

During the interrogation Marchhair noticed Castro's constant scratching of his arse, and suggested to him a size 38 pair of his finest silk boxer shorts with guaranteed anti-riding seems. Castro could not believe the comfort level and bought a thousand pairs on the spot, providing enough finance for an English facility. Seeing the profitability of the situation and the need for the proliferation of propaganda, Marchhair added a glow in the dark ink to his boxers which bore various pro Castro slogans such as "if you like whats here, wait till you see Castro's." Upon his first visit to Lord's every member bought 3 pair - and since the amount of reported exposures has increased 14% in London alone from men "spreading propaganda."

Alphonse is an intimidator in the truest sense of the word, and when silk production is down, things get nasty. Once a month he takes the lowest producer from his silk sweat shop and forces them in to a water consumption competition in front of the entire workforce. It is a drink till death competition, and granted his prolific water consumption habits, he is yet to be even as much as fazed before his competitor's stomach explodes and dies a bloated death.

Alphonse is a man of excess, and the water in his stomach is nearly rivaled by the grease in his hair. You always know where Alphonse has been by the trail of grease he leaves behind that drips from his shoulder length curly hairdo. It is quite a fashion statement, but also makes him an easily tracked mark, which is not a good thing for him given his latest propaganda efforts.